Painting : Zan Newstrom
When a gesture of kindness shines through
we could never accept any exchange for it.
It is a treasure without measure,
like the warmth from the sunrise.
Create your day with kindness,
sunshine, color and imagination !
- Zan Newstrom
Codependency, Grail Kings and Queens - And Me
"I had a realization ; it was a painful realization when I had it, but I'm glad I did. I realized that no one could love me now into loving myself - that chance went by when I was a little child. But I realized that I could be there for myself on a 24 hour a day basis if I wanted to."
- Pia Mellody
Pia Mellody is a registered nurse as I am, and I was honored to hear her speak these words at a codependency workshop in 1989. I had dabbled at codependency recovery for some time myself, but had recently hit a bottom much harder than I'd ever thought possible. The next period of my life, in now dead serious codependency recovery, turned out to be a watershed for me ; a doorway to an - although of course never perfect - progress and peace of mind I couldn't have imagined.
As a teenager in the mid and late 1960s I had done all the things teenagers did in those days - and hurt myself badly, at levels of body, self confidence and self esteem. At a certain point at age 19, I knew I had to stop - immediately - or risk harming myself seriously, even permanently.
I did stop, with harsh physical after effects for a full year, untreated and on my own. Work - of almost any kind - became a source of comfort, and I learned I did have some abilities. My feet also led me, literally, to a friend who became a mentor by his good example, and a spiritual path that has proved sound for me, even to this day. I also chose a profession, and made an interesting, promising start.
Still, personal relationships remained a baffling, anxiety provoking, discouraging and at times emotionally derailing minefield. I came to realize that my self esteem still felt constantly on the line ; and that for me, progress towards any truly meaningful, fulfilling destiny remained shaky and at risk.
One day, while looking for something else in the phone book, my finger stopped on the name of a Twelve Step recovery program. It wasn't flattering to think of myself that way, and it carried a certain stigma ; but I couldn't look away, inwardly. A short time later I did more research, made a call, and found out the time and place of a meeting. On the morning of my first meeting, I awoke to this dream :
A Grail King
I was in an old church, and although it was indoors, I felt the warmth of a furnace, and knew it was winter. I was going down a winding wood staircase, creaking under many steps, and as I descended, people were coming up, looking at me with interest in passing, meeting my eyes. The people were dressed in an older style of clothing, but I had a sense their best ; men in dark suits, some women with fur coats as in earlier times ; quietly rich colors, earrings, hats, modestly but graciously groomed. The faces coming up toward me were lined, but as if by the full living of life, both the good and the bad. Faces of worldly experience, looking out with interest, and again and again I felt, with a tangible dignity, won from life from the inside out.
The stairs led down into the basement of the church, and as I turned to the left, I looked into the basement hall, a large room. Coming down the center aisle towards me now, I saw a strong man, tall, upright, of rugged, noble bearing, wearing vestments of furs - white ermine, dark sable, red fox ; and holding in his hands a covered chalice, chest high, coming slowly and with dignity towards me ; and in the moment he passed by the thought arose in me, vividly clear, "This is a Grail King." I'll return to this theme a little later.
About Codependency
Among the most common ailments to which human beings are prone, codependency is a disease of reliance (dependency) on the actions and attitudes of others for our own motivation, sense of security and self worth. A mindset easy to fall into, it's also a drive impossible to fulfill, even from the start. And yet we human beings do try - and it can become almost impossible to stop. After a time in the program, I realized this was a shoe that well and truly fit for me.
Codependency can affect our feelings and thought processes pervasively ; and whether through paralysis, impulsive or compulsive behaviors, our ability to control our own actions as well. It underlies almost all forms of addiction, and like physical illnesses, can become progressive, to the point of death through addiction, suicide or violence towards others.
What follows are differentiated descriptions of codependency, from several points of view. In reading you may find attitudes or patterns of feelings you carry, things you do - the particular configuration is different for each person. At best these descriptions can be a helpful source of self knowledge, and starting points for healing. What they're not, though, are indictments against you, or occasions for harsh self judgment. This said, here are some overview materials :
Five Core Symptoms of Codependence
As formulated by Pia Mellody RN
1. DIFFICULTY EXPERIENCING APPROPRIATE LEVELS OF SELF-ESTEEM
Codependent people experience difficulty with self-esteem at one or both of two extremes :
- Self-esteem is either low or non-existent : One thinks he/she is worth less than others.
- At the opposite extreme is arrogance or grandiosity : you think you are set apart and superior to other people.
2. DIFFICULTY SETTING FUNCTIONAL BOUNDARIES
Boundaries are like invisible fences which have three purposes :
a) To keep people from coming into our space and abusing us.
b) To keep us from going into another's space and abusing them.
c) To give us each a way to embody our sense of "who we are".
Two Kinds of Boundaries
a) External - physical/spatial.
b) Internal, protecting our thinking, feelings and behavior and keeping them functional.
3. DIFFICULTY OWNING OUR OWN REALITY
Elements of Reality
a) Our Body - difficulty seeing it accurately or being aware of its health and operation.
b) Our Thinking - difficulty knowing and sharing our thoughts. Also giving misinterpretations to information or incorrect meaning to experiences.
c) Our Feelings - difficulty knowing what we feel or being overwhelmed with feelings/emotions.
d) Our Behavior - difficulty being aware of what we do or don't do, the impact our behavior has on others and taking responsibility for our behavior.
4. DIFFICULTY ACKNOWLEDGING OUR OWN NEEDS AND WANTS
Four Categories
a) I am TOO DEPENDENT : I know my wants and needs but want and expect others to take care of them for me.
b) I am ANTIDEPENDENT : I see that I have needs and wants but I try to meet them all myself alone, and cannot accept or ask for help from others. I cannot be vulnerable.
c) I am NEEDLESS AND WANTLESS : I am not aware of the wants and needs that I have and think I have none.
d) I GET WANTS AND NEEDS CONFUSED : For example - trying to buy things or use addictions to feel needs of love, closeness or comfort.
5. DIFFICULTY EXPERIENCING AND EXPRESSING OUR REALITY MODERATELY
(LIVING IN EXTREMES)
Manifests in Four Areas
a) The BODY : Extremes of dress, weight or thinness, sloppiness/neatness.
b) THINKING : Black and white/extreme thinking. All one way or another.
c) FEELINGS : Difficulties identifying and expressing feelings. May seem to feel nothing or explosive feelings with no in-between.
d) BEHAVIOR : May include trusting anyone or no one at all, acting out in addictions, raging, over or under-disciplining children, and inappropriate sexual behavior.
Some Characteristics of Co-Dependency
1. Positive feelings about ourselves stem from being liked and accepted by others.
2. Mental attention is focused on solving the problems of others or relieving their pain and when these goals are accomplished, our self-esteem rises.
3. Co-dependent people tend to personalize all that happens around them. Seeing everything as being directly related to us.
4. Unless we are externally validated, we have difficulty trusting our own perceptions.
5. Significant others' clothing, personal appearance and behavior are dictated by the co-dependent, as we feel that our significant other is a reflection of us.
6. We have unrealistic expectations of ourselves, are unable to accept our own limitations and use control and manipulation to avoid facing reality.
7. We view ourselves as failures when we cannot control everything or meet everyone's expectations.
8. We fear rejection and abandonment, so we feel we must be involved and needed in every aspect of the lives of others. Not to be involved or needed equals abandonment.
9. Co-dependents are not aware of how they feel. We are aware of how others feel. Co-dependents are not aware of what they want. If we are not aware, we assume.
10. Social circles diminish as we become more involved in our disease.
Relationships
When a gesture of kindness shines through
we could never accept any exchange for it.
It is a treasure without measure,
like the warmth from the sunrise.
Create your day with kindness,
sunshine, color and imagination !
- Zan Newstrom
Codependency, Grail Kings and Queens - And Me
"I had a realization ; it was a painful realization when I had it, but I'm glad I did. I realized that no one could love me now into loving myself - that chance went by when I was a little child. But I realized that I could be there for myself on a 24 hour a day basis if I wanted to."
- Pia Mellody
Pia Mellody is a registered nurse as I am, and I was honored to hear her speak these words at a codependency workshop in 1989. I had dabbled at codependency recovery for some time myself, but had recently hit a bottom much harder than I'd ever thought possible. The next period of my life, in now dead serious codependency recovery, turned out to be a watershed for me ; a doorway to an - although of course never perfect - progress and peace of mind I couldn't have imagined.
As a teenager in the mid and late 1960s I had done all the things teenagers did in those days - and hurt myself badly, at levels of body, self confidence and self esteem. At a certain point at age 19, I knew I had to stop - immediately - or risk harming myself seriously, even permanently.
I did stop, with harsh physical after effects for a full year, untreated and on my own. Work - of almost any kind - became a source of comfort, and I learned I did have some abilities. My feet also led me, literally, to a friend who became a mentor by his good example, and a spiritual path that has proved sound for me, even to this day. I also chose a profession, and made an interesting, promising start.
Still, personal relationships remained a baffling, anxiety provoking, discouraging and at times emotionally derailing minefield. I came to realize that my self esteem still felt constantly on the line ; and that for me, progress towards any truly meaningful, fulfilling destiny remained shaky and at risk.
One day, while looking for something else in the phone book, my finger stopped on the name of a Twelve Step recovery program. It wasn't flattering to think of myself that way, and it carried a certain stigma ; but I couldn't look away, inwardly. A short time later I did more research, made a call, and found out the time and place of a meeting. On the morning of my first meeting, I awoke to this dream :
A Grail King
I was in an old church, and although it was indoors, I felt the warmth of a furnace, and knew it was winter. I was going down a winding wood staircase, creaking under many steps, and as I descended, people were coming up, looking at me with interest in passing, meeting my eyes. The people were dressed in an older style of clothing, but I had a sense their best ; men in dark suits, some women with fur coats as in earlier times ; quietly rich colors, earrings, hats, modestly but graciously groomed. The faces coming up toward me were lined, but as if by the full living of life, both the good and the bad. Faces of worldly experience, looking out with interest, and again and again I felt, with a tangible dignity, won from life from the inside out.
The stairs led down into the basement of the church, and as I turned to the left, I looked into the basement hall, a large room. Coming down the center aisle towards me now, I saw a strong man, tall, upright, of rugged, noble bearing, wearing vestments of furs - white ermine, dark sable, red fox ; and holding in his hands a covered chalice, chest high, coming slowly and with dignity towards me ; and in the moment he passed by the thought arose in me, vividly clear, "This is a Grail King." I'll return to this theme a little later.
About Codependency
Among the most common ailments to which human beings are prone, codependency is a disease of reliance (dependency) on the actions and attitudes of others for our own motivation, sense of security and self worth. A mindset easy to fall into, it's also a drive impossible to fulfill, even from the start. And yet we human beings do try - and it can become almost impossible to stop. After a time in the program, I realized this was a shoe that well and truly fit for me.
Codependency can affect our feelings and thought processes pervasively ; and whether through paralysis, impulsive or compulsive behaviors, our ability to control our own actions as well. It underlies almost all forms of addiction, and like physical illnesses, can become progressive, to the point of death through addiction, suicide or violence towards others.
What follows are differentiated descriptions of codependency, from several points of view. In reading you may find attitudes or patterns of feelings you carry, things you do - the particular configuration is different for each person. At best these descriptions can be a helpful source of self knowledge, and starting points for healing. What they're not, though, are indictments against you, or occasions for harsh self judgment. This said, here are some overview materials :
Five Core Symptoms of Codependence
As formulated by Pia Mellody RN
1. DIFFICULTY EXPERIENCING APPROPRIATE LEVELS OF SELF-ESTEEM
Codependent people experience difficulty with self-esteem at one or both of two extremes :
- Self-esteem is either low or non-existent : One thinks he/she is worth less than others.
- At the opposite extreme is arrogance or grandiosity : you think you are set apart and superior to other people.
2. DIFFICULTY SETTING FUNCTIONAL BOUNDARIES
Boundaries are like invisible fences which have three purposes :
a) To keep people from coming into our space and abusing us.
b) To keep us from going into another's space and abusing them.
c) To give us each a way to embody our sense of "who we are".
Two Kinds of Boundaries
a) External - physical/spatial.
b) Internal, protecting our thinking, feelings and behavior and keeping them functional.
3. DIFFICULTY OWNING OUR OWN REALITY
Elements of Reality
a) Our Body - difficulty seeing it accurately or being aware of its health and operation.
b) Our Thinking - difficulty knowing and sharing our thoughts. Also giving misinterpretations to information or incorrect meaning to experiences.
c) Our Feelings - difficulty knowing what we feel or being overwhelmed with feelings/emotions.
d) Our Behavior - difficulty being aware of what we do or don't do, the impact our behavior has on others and taking responsibility for our behavior.
4. DIFFICULTY ACKNOWLEDGING OUR OWN NEEDS AND WANTS
Four Categories
a) I am TOO DEPENDENT : I know my wants and needs but want and expect others to take care of them for me.
b) I am ANTIDEPENDENT : I see that I have needs and wants but I try to meet them all myself alone, and cannot accept or ask for help from others. I cannot be vulnerable.
c) I am NEEDLESS AND WANTLESS : I am not aware of the wants and needs that I have and think I have none.
d) I GET WANTS AND NEEDS CONFUSED : For example - trying to buy things or use addictions to feel needs of love, closeness or comfort.
5. DIFFICULTY EXPERIENCING AND EXPRESSING OUR REALITY MODERATELY
(LIVING IN EXTREMES)
Manifests in Four Areas
a) The BODY : Extremes of dress, weight or thinness, sloppiness/neatness.
b) THINKING : Black and white/extreme thinking. All one way or another.
c) FEELINGS : Difficulties identifying and expressing feelings. May seem to feel nothing or explosive feelings with no in-between.
d) BEHAVIOR : May include trusting anyone or no one at all, acting out in addictions, raging, over or under-disciplining children, and inappropriate sexual behavior.
Some Characteristics of Co-Dependency
1. Positive feelings about ourselves stem from being liked and accepted by others.
2. Mental attention is focused on solving the problems of others or relieving their pain and when these goals are accomplished, our self-esteem rises.
3. Co-dependent people tend to personalize all that happens around them. Seeing everything as being directly related to us.
4. Unless we are externally validated, we have difficulty trusting our own perceptions.
5. Significant others' clothing, personal appearance and behavior are dictated by the co-dependent, as we feel that our significant other is a reflection of us.
6. We have unrealistic expectations of ourselves, are unable to accept our own limitations and use control and manipulation to avoid facing reality.
7. We view ourselves as failures when we cannot control everything or meet everyone's expectations.
8. We fear rejection and abandonment, so we feel we must be involved and needed in every aspect of the lives of others. Not to be involved or needed equals abandonment.
9. Co-dependents are not aware of how they feel. We are aware of how others feel. Co-dependents are not aware of what they want. If we are not aware, we assume.
10. Social circles diminish as we become more involved in our disease.
Relationships
Codependent Versus Healthy Relationships
Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor
The Codependency Drama Triangle has three roles - Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor (Punisher/Avenger). These roles unfold in the absence of truly healthy self-awareness, in a predictably cyclical way : if we identify strongly with one, we eventually fall prey to the others as well. Trapped in a cycle of relationships that repeatedly disappoint us or fail - and with no view to a way out - the deterioration and despair of the codependent way of being make themselves truly felt. Self neglectful and self destructive traits intensify, and its from here especially that suicidal and homicidal impulses arise. The positions and roles in the Codependency Triangle are as follows :
The Codependency Drama Triangle has three roles - Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor (Punisher/Avenger). These roles unfold in the absence of truly healthy self-awareness, in a predictably cyclical way : if we identify strongly with one, we eventually fall prey to the others as well. Trapped in a cycle of relationships that repeatedly disappoint us or fail - and with no view to a way out - the deterioration and despair of the codependent way of being make themselves truly felt. Self neglectful and self destructive traits intensify, and its from here especially that suicidal and homicidal impulses arise. The positions and roles in the Codependency Triangle are as follows :
The Path of Healing
The Story of Anfortas and Parsifal
In the epic tale Parsifal by Wolfram von Eschenbach, told again by Richard Wagner in his opera of the same name, a king, Anfortas suffers under an incurable wound, inflicted on him during a moment of sin. Anfortas had been charged with the care and keeping of the Holy Grail - the chalice used by Christ at the Last Supper. In the presence of the Grail, goodness, goodwill and abundance prevail, and Anortras is the leader of the company of knights who protect it. Nevertheless, an evil sorcerer sent a temptress to seduce him, and in the moment she did, the sorcerer pierced Anfortas with the lance that had once also pierced the side of Christ. Thereafter, Anfortas lived on in his office, wounded and unable to be healed, beset with guilt and shame, and most pained of all in the presence of the Grail.
In the meantime, it has been prophesied that Anfortras will one day be healed and released from his penitence by a pure young man ; who in the course of time appears in the person of Parsifal. Parsifal, too, however, proves to be naive, blunders repeatededly and suffers under his own ignorance and errors. At the end of a long story, Parsifal, "a brave man, slowly wise" does in fact struggle his way to the wisdom and self knowledge needed, to now truly help Anfortas, and relieve him in his suffering. At long last Anfortas is healed, the tempting maiden freed from her own painful thrall to the sorcerer, and Parsifal becomes the new Grail King.
What does, or might this have to do with recovery or "healing" from codependency ? My dream of a Grail community came precisely as I met a fellowship in quite similar need of healing. I'd never had such a dream before, and my experiences in Twelve Step programs since have done little to change this impression. Codependency, for its part, is also a chronic "wound" and illness to which we humans are deeply prone - an illness virtually impossible to heal without the help of others, also recovering ; of "a Power greater than ourselves" ; and without walking a path of deep, humbling self knowledge and transformation.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
As an RN and even before, I worked in the field of mental health for 40 years. I worked with psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and social workers, and although no person or profession is perfect, I recognize something truly good in all of them. The heart and greatest part of my own (ongoing) codependency recovery, however, has come through the help of Twelve Step programs.
Phenomena of "soul" and "spirit" - although ever changing - have been described in every age of history : persistent companions of humanity, experienced and reported in close detail as realities - a heritage not to be simply or easily explained away. I had a sense for these things, and questions about them myself, even in childhood. As an adult, beyond the practical and emotional support they offer, I experience in the humble rooms and practices of Twelve Step programs a true spiritual path, as genuine as any I know of today. Progress on this path unfolds through earnest and sustained work with the Twelve Steps, shared below.
The Story of Anfortas and Parsifal
In the epic tale Parsifal by Wolfram von Eschenbach, told again by Richard Wagner in his opera of the same name, a king, Anfortas suffers under an incurable wound, inflicted on him during a moment of sin. Anfortas had been charged with the care and keeping of the Holy Grail - the chalice used by Christ at the Last Supper. In the presence of the Grail, goodness, goodwill and abundance prevail, and Anortras is the leader of the company of knights who protect it. Nevertheless, an evil sorcerer sent a temptress to seduce him, and in the moment she did, the sorcerer pierced Anfortas with the lance that had once also pierced the side of Christ. Thereafter, Anfortas lived on in his office, wounded and unable to be healed, beset with guilt and shame, and most pained of all in the presence of the Grail.
In the meantime, it has been prophesied that Anfortras will one day be healed and released from his penitence by a pure young man ; who in the course of time appears in the person of Parsifal. Parsifal, too, however, proves to be naive, blunders repeatededly and suffers under his own ignorance and errors. At the end of a long story, Parsifal, "a brave man, slowly wise" does in fact struggle his way to the wisdom and self knowledge needed, to now truly help Anfortas, and relieve him in his suffering. At long last Anfortas is healed, the tempting maiden freed from her own painful thrall to the sorcerer, and Parsifal becomes the new Grail King.
What does, or might this have to do with recovery or "healing" from codependency ? My dream of a Grail community came precisely as I met a fellowship in quite similar need of healing. I'd never had such a dream before, and my experiences in Twelve Step programs since have done little to change this impression. Codependency, for its part, is also a chronic "wound" and illness to which we humans are deeply prone - an illness virtually impossible to heal without the help of others, also recovering ; of "a Power greater than ourselves" ; and without walking a path of deep, humbling self knowledge and transformation.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
As an RN and even before, I worked in the field of mental health for 40 years. I worked with psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and social workers, and although no person or profession is perfect, I recognize something truly good in all of them. The heart and greatest part of my own (ongoing) codependency recovery, however, has come through the help of Twelve Step programs.
Phenomena of "soul" and "spirit" - although ever changing - have been described in every age of history : persistent companions of humanity, experienced and reported in close detail as realities - a heritage not to be simply or easily explained away. I had a sense for these things, and questions about them myself, even in childhood. As an adult, beyond the practical and emotional support they offer, I experience in the humble rooms and practices of Twelve Step programs a true spiritual path, as genuine as any I know of today. Progress on this path unfolds through earnest and sustained work with the Twelve Steps, shared below.
The needed safety and external conditions for work in these programs are protected by their Twelve Traditons :
A wealth of additional infiormation on Co-Dependents Anonymous can be found on the website CoDA.org !
Codependency Recovery - Or License for Selfishness ?
The question is sometimes raised whether "codependency recovery" is something needed and legitimate - or a license to selfishness, and potential source of harm to society (article). Some perspective is perhaps in order.
Many in codependency recovery have suffered addictions, and may still be at risk for relapse - progressive syndromes that can end in death, not to mention great harm to others. They may come from chaotic, neglectful or traumatic family backgrounds, and be prone to create new versions of these relationships in the present. Many are in such relationships already, struggling to protect themselves and their loved ones. Science may one day solve these problems or find better ways to deal with them, but those already enmeshed need solutions in the present. Codepency recovery includes learning to recognize harmful internal and external patterns, and respond in healthy, appropriate - versus dysfunctional - ways. In terms of concepts, recovery advocates recognize an innate core of goodness in the human being, and seek to support and strengthen it. They don't deny the need for committment, selflessness and sacrifice in relationships, even in one sided, disproportionate ways where needed. Rather, they promote considered, conscious, intentional forms of action and relationship that counteract the impulsive, compulsive, eventually futile reactions to which co-dependents are so often prone. The goals and effects of such recovery are not selfishness - but rather simply sanity.
A Fellowship of Healing
A fellowship whose members have an illness they can potentially die of is not just a place to go to escape. You may see people still making mistakes - and in plain speech, bullshitting themselves - in meetings and elsewhere ; and on occasion, bullshitting you too. You yourself may still make mistakes and bullshit yourself in some ways, for quite some time - I certainly did.
Recovery has been described as like peeling an onion, with many layers, and no lack of tears as you do. But you may also hear self-honesty and recovery that bring you tears of joy.
A homely old saying in Twelve Step fellowships is, "go to six meetings and see if you hear someone tell your story". Another old wisdom in these rooms is that "the Twelve Steps (honestly and persistently worked - my emphasis) are the soft and easy road of recovery". Consider the observations above, feel your way into them, and see if you identify. If at some point you find you do, in a way you can't avoid, say your own name - even to yourself - and listen for the word :
"Welcome !"
Next in series : The Stumbling Block of "A Power Greater Than Ourselves"
Codependency Recovery - Or License for Selfishness ?
The question is sometimes raised whether "codependency recovery" is something needed and legitimate - or a license to selfishness, and potential source of harm to society (article). Some perspective is perhaps in order.
Many in codependency recovery have suffered addictions, and may still be at risk for relapse - progressive syndromes that can end in death, not to mention great harm to others. They may come from chaotic, neglectful or traumatic family backgrounds, and be prone to create new versions of these relationships in the present. Many are in such relationships already, struggling to protect themselves and their loved ones. Science may one day solve these problems or find better ways to deal with them, but those already enmeshed need solutions in the present. Codepency recovery includes learning to recognize harmful internal and external patterns, and respond in healthy, appropriate - versus dysfunctional - ways. In terms of concepts, recovery advocates recognize an innate core of goodness in the human being, and seek to support and strengthen it. They don't deny the need for committment, selflessness and sacrifice in relationships, even in one sided, disproportionate ways where needed. Rather, they promote considered, conscious, intentional forms of action and relationship that counteract the impulsive, compulsive, eventually futile reactions to which co-dependents are so often prone. The goals and effects of such recovery are not selfishness - but rather simply sanity.
A Fellowship of Healing
A fellowship whose members have an illness they can potentially die of is not just a place to go to escape. You may see people still making mistakes - and in plain speech, bullshitting themselves - in meetings and elsewhere ; and on occasion, bullshitting you too. You yourself may still make mistakes and bullshit yourself in some ways, for quite some time - I certainly did.
Recovery has been described as like peeling an onion, with many layers, and no lack of tears as you do. But you may also hear self-honesty and recovery that bring you tears of joy.
A homely old saying in Twelve Step fellowships is, "go to six meetings and see if you hear someone tell your story". Another old wisdom in these rooms is that "the Twelve Steps (honestly and persistently worked - my emphasis) are the soft and easy road of recovery". Consider the observations above, feel your way into them, and see if you identify. If at some point you find you do, in a way you can't avoid, say your own name - even to yourself - and listen for the word :
"Welcome !"
Next in series : The Stumbling Block of "A Power Greater Than Ourselves"