Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
Source : Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills are are one of the four skills sets taught in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. This presentation is adapted from Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha M. Linehan Ph.D. In my experience, Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills can be helpful to almost anyone !
Interpersonal Effectiveness
We sometimes feel conflicts between getting what we need, keeping a relationship intact and preserving our self respect. This can be a source of chaos and pain in a relationship. The longer relationships remain unattended to, the longer it takes to repair them. Through the use of Interpersonal Effectiveness, you’ll learn how to :
- Ask for what you need.
- Say no to unwanted requests.
- Cope with interpersonal conflict.
- Maintain the relationship.
- Maintain your own self respect.
Goal of Interpersonal Effectiveness
The skills taught in Interpersonal Effectiveness are to maximize the chances that your goals will be met, and at the same time not damage the relationship or your self-respect.
The How and Why of Interpersonal Effectiveness
Use Interpersonal Effectiveness when your goal is to change something or to resist changes someone else is demanding of you. Different approaches are possible for different kinds of interpersonal situations. If you find yourself in a conflict situation, what is your first and key priority at this time ? Is it to :
- Obtain what you need or want ?
- Maintain your sense of self respect ?
- Preserve the relationship ?
“DEAR MAN”. Use Dear Man when it’s most important to you to obtain what you need or want in a situation; or to say no to an unwanted demand. An example : you're in the emergency room with your child, and you can see your concerns are not being fully heard by the staff. You realize you must make your child's needs and situation clear to them, sooner rather than later, and not just "when they get to it". Dear Man includes these steps :
Describe - describe the current situation.
Express - express your observations, feelings and opinion about the situation.
Assert - ask for what you want, or say NO clearly.
Reinforce - tell the person the positive effects of your getting what you want or need.
Mindful - don’t be distracted ; ignore threats. Focus on your objectives.
Appear confident - appear effective, use a confident tone and physical manner. Maintain eye contact.
Negotiate - be willing to give to get. Focus on what will work; ask for alternative solutions.
Another tool to use for Interpersonal Effectiveness is “FAST”. Use it when it’s most important to you to maintain your self respect in a situation, even if it's possible your other needs may not be met. Make your request or say “no”, using these guidelines :
Fair - be fair to yourself and to the other person.
No Apologies - no apologizing for being alive, for having an opinion, or for disagreeing.
Stick to Values - don’t sell out your own values or integrity for reasons that are not important. Stick to your own values.
Be Truthful - don’t lie, act helpless when you’re not ; don’t make up excuses.
A third useful tool for interpersonal effectiveness is “GIVE”. Use it when it’s most important to you to maintain the relationship in the situation. Make your request or say “no”, using these guidelines :
Be Gentle - be courteous in your approach. No attacks, threats, or judging.
Show Interest - Listen to the other person's point of view ; be patient and don't interrupt.
Validate - acknowledge the other person’s feelings, wishes, difficulties.
Use an Easy Manner - use a little humor ; smile.
These are skills that can be used in daily life, to help you lead a more healthy lifestyle, and to build a bridge to your hopes and dreams. The more you’re mindful of your body and your emotions, the more empowered you’ll become to build a healthy recovery. Remember, as with all things in life, these skills require PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”
Lao-tzu (604 BCE – 531 BCE)
Jeff Smith RN
Source : Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills are are one of the four skills sets taught in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. This presentation is adapted from Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha M. Linehan Ph.D. In my experience, Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills can be helpful to almost anyone !
Interpersonal Effectiveness
We sometimes feel conflicts between getting what we need, keeping a relationship intact and preserving our self respect. This can be a source of chaos and pain in a relationship. The longer relationships remain unattended to, the longer it takes to repair them. Through the use of Interpersonal Effectiveness, you’ll learn how to :
- Ask for what you need.
- Say no to unwanted requests.
- Cope with interpersonal conflict.
- Maintain the relationship.
- Maintain your own self respect.
Goal of Interpersonal Effectiveness
The skills taught in Interpersonal Effectiveness are to maximize the chances that your goals will be met, and at the same time not damage the relationship or your self-respect.
The How and Why of Interpersonal Effectiveness
Use Interpersonal Effectiveness when your goal is to change something or to resist changes someone else is demanding of you. Different approaches are possible for different kinds of interpersonal situations. If you find yourself in a conflict situation, what is your first and key priority at this time ? Is it to :
- Obtain what you need or want ?
- Maintain your sense of self respect ?
- Preserve the relationship ?
“DEAR MAN”. Use Dear Man when it’s most important to you to obtain what you need or want in a situation; or to say no to an unwanted demand. An example : you're in the emergency room with your child, and you can see your concerns are not being fully heard by the staff. You realize you must make your child's needs and situation clear to them, sooner rather than later, and not just "when they get to it". Dear Man includes these steps :
Describe - describe the current situation.
Express - express your observations, feelings and opinion about the situation.
Assert - ask for what you want, or say NO clearly.
Reinforce - tell the person the positive effects of your getting what you want or need.
Mindful - don’t be distracted ; ignore threats. Focus on your objectives.
Appear confident - appear effective, use a confident tone and physical manner. Maintain eye contact.
Negotiate - be willing to give to get. Focus on what will work; ask for alternative solutions.
Another tool to use for Interpersonal Effectiveness is “FAST”. Use it when it’s most important to you to maintain your self respect in a situation, even if it's possible your other needs may not be met. Make your request or say “no”, using these guidelines :
Fair - be fair to yourself and to the other person.
No Apologies - no apologizing for being alive, for having an opinion, or for disagreeing.
Stick to Values - don’t sell out your own values or integrity for reasons that are not important. Stick to your own values.
Be Truthful - don’t lie, act helpless when you’re not ; don’t make up excuses.
A third useful tool for interpersonal effectiveness is “GIVE”. Use it when it’s most important to you to maintain the relationship in the situation. Make your request or say “no”, using these guidelines :
Be Gentle - be courteous in your approach. No attacks, threats, or judging.
Show Interest - Listen to the other person's point of view ; be patient and don't interrupt.
Validate - acknowledge the other person’s feelings, wishes, difficulties.
Use an Easy Manner - use a little humor ; smile.
These are skills that can be used in daily life, to help you lead a more healthy lifestyle, and to build a bridge to your hopes and dreams. The more you’re mindful of your body and your emotions, the more empowered you’ll become to build a healthy recovery. Remember, as with all things in life, these skills require PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”
Lao-tzu (604 BCE – 531 BCE)
Jeff Smith RN
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